Thank You To The Therapist Who Saved My Life

In 1997, I left a job I hated, started a job I liked, and met my future wife. Life couldn’t have been better for a man in his mid-20s. But as I breathed a sigh of relief — thinking that the self-criticism that had plagued me for years in adolescence would simply disappear — things got worse. 

My self-criticism and loathing took over again and intensified. Internal questions like, “What if I’m the worst thing I could ever imagine?” turned into, “I am the worst thing I could ever imagine.” 

I was convinced that my newfound happiness in life would make my intrusive thoughts and feelings go away, but the more I ruminated on “why” my self-hatred hadn’t stopped, the worse it got. 

For those who don’t know (I didn’t at the time), this is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD consists of mental obsessions/fears followed by compulsions aimed at relieving the anxiety that these obsessions cause. In my case, the compulsions were mainly mental rituals rather than the physical ones (i.e. counting, tapping, etc.) that most people associate with OCD. This “purely mental” type of OCD is often called Pure OCD.

Even so, there’s nothing “pure” about OCD. If you ever hear someone saying that they’re “so OCD!” or that they love their OCD because it helps them organize their bedroom, then they likely don’t actually live with the disorder. Using the term flippantly is not only disrespectful, but harmful to those experiencing undiagnosed subtypes. 

I got so low, depression and constant suicidal thoughts overtook my life. I ended up crying my eyes out to my GP. I didn’t tell them the extent of my thoughts, but shared enough that I was referred to a therapist. 

Seeing that therapist was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He asked me how he could help, and in a flood of tears, I told him everything. 

He asked me some questions and then confidently said, “I don’t think you’re the worst thing you could ever imagine.” He told me I was extremely brave for sharing my thoughts with him. Those words saved my life.

Back in 1997, OCD was not as well understood as it is today. Some of the treatment recommended to me was counterproductive, and although the term “obsessive nature” was used quite a few times, OCD was not.

My treatment was more focused on the resulting depression. However, despite roadblocks, those words my therapist initially said to me saved my life. The experience of being listened to, understood and not judged was what I needed to keep pushing. I’d like to say thank you to that therapist, without whom I’m not sure where I’d be today. 

In Good Will Hunting, Matt Damon’s character gave Robin Williams’s character a hug at the end of their last session together. In 1998, I did the same, as I shook my therapist's hand and left our final therapy session.

For anyone just beginning their recovery journey: you’re not the worst thing imaginable, you’re extremely brave, and a better life is waiting for you.